Seeking: Peace at Christmas

I have a tendency toward nostalgia, and a penchant to truly enjoy an event in retrospect, rather than “enjoying the moment.”  I should say – I used to feel this way; thankfully, in the past several years, I’ve been focusing on being present “here and now,” and I’m finding life to be a lot easier to handle because of it.

Christmas is an especially challenging time for me each year.  My mom died of lung cancer on January 6, 2002.  She struggled with chemo and radiation for a year beforehand, and for one entire month during that summer, the doctors could find no trace of cancer in her body.  It was a gloriously happy month; one that we enjoyed immensely, even though we both knew the unspoken truth – that this cancer would return, and with a vengeance.  There wasn’t much time.

My mom fell seriously ill for the last time on Christmas Eve, 2001.  And so, for the past nine years, I have grown to loathe Christmas Eve.

Christmas Eve reminded me of hospitals, grave looks on doctors’ faces, nurses getting me a hot cup of tea.  And my dear mom, my best friend and only close living relative, slowly slipping away from me – utter despair.

And last year, I remembered something.  The very last time Mom was able to communicate with me was on that Christmas Eve.  When I was a child, we held hands when shopping together, and she would always look down at me, smile, and squeeze my hand three times to silently say, “I (squeeze) love (squeeze) you (squeeze.)”  On that last Christmas Eve, that was the last thing my mom ever did for me – squeeze my hand three times, before drifting off where I could not follow.

“I love you.”  There are no better parting words.

So, on Christmas Eve this year, I held that memory close to my heart.  The Birth of Jesus Christ is, to me, the most outrageous act of love ever shown in all of time and space – that the Creator of the Universe would flesh out for us, to heal us, teach us, love us, and show us The Way.  God squeezes our hands three times in all we do as we journey through this life.  We are blessed to have many Heavenly Parents!  And for all of this world’s sadness and loss, we still have the ever-present love of a Wonderful Counsellor- a Prince of Peace.  Thanks be to God.

May Christmastide and the New Year bring you abundant blessings from our beloved Creator.

Seeking: God vs. Doughnuts

I joined Weight Watchers this week. 

Life is so unpredictable at times…you can live for ten years without any major upset, and then, bam! Within a year or two, all hell breaks loose.  That’s how my life has been for the past couple of years. 

In the past two years, I have developed health issues, dealt with particularly difficult challenges at work, have been completely heartbroken, and saw the decline of two people very close to me.  I purchased a home and a car all within a few months, which is been a bit financially stressful, as I’m sure you can relate, especially in this economy!  Other issues had arisen, too, leading me to wonder about the expression:  “Don’t worry.  God won’t give you more than you can handle.”  As if God is there, delightfully handing out pain and misery to us to see what our breaking points will be. 

And, unfortunately, I am a foodie. 

So in order to cope, I did what I always do – eat.  I am an emotional eater.  When things get this bad (such as the death or severe illness of a close loved one, a lost job, etc.), instead of letting go and letting God, I let go in the kitchen and scarf down as many Doritos and M&M’s as my mouth can hold.  Instead of offering it up in prayer, and getting my mind off my own misery by helping others, I earn my very own booth at the local Chinese buffet.

And why?  Where is my trust in God?  “And lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world,” Jesus promised.  So if I truly believe that God is always with me, refusing to abandon me when things get rough…why do I strive to look like Delaware?  Why do I look for solace in food when the Creator of the universe keeps gently prodding, “Come to me, and I will give you rest”?

In my case, it’s to find absence from pain.

We can talk about using food or other things as pacifiers.  I’m sure there is much validity in understanding ourselves through such psychological explanations.  What we are all looking for is a release from pain and struggle…a brief moment of “hakuna matata,” when we are free from all worries. 

But to be free of struggle is to be dead.  And I don’t know about you, but as much as I love my God, I’m enjoying it here, and would like to remain for as long as God wishes me to.  So, struggle it is.

I’ve put down the pizza.  Granted, I’ll pick it back up again (briefly!), but I’m going to focus more on growing old with God rather than growing…in other ways. 

Seeking: A Love of Waiting

“We can never know about the days to come
But we think about them anyway,

And I wonder if I'm really with you now
Or just chasin' after some finer day…

Anticipation, anticipation
Is makin' me late…
Is keepin' me waitin'”

I heard Carly Simon’s Anticipation while I was stuck in traffic in the middle of a December hurricane yesterday.  If life came with musical accompaniment, this would have been playing in my background the entire day.  (Of course, it also reminded me of ketchup, but you need to be of a certain age to realize why…)

It’s Advent, and here we are - waiting.  We usually hate to wait.  Waiting requires patience, and in our busy, high-tech world, we are accustomed to instant gratification – texting, emails, Keurig coffee in less than 30 seconds.  To wait seems to indicate that something must be wrong – the Internet service is down, there must be an accident backing up traffic, it must be the cashier’s first day on the job, and my doctor is overbooked.  And where the heck is my quarter-pounder with cheese!?

But…can waiting be a good thing? I mean - really?

Jesus’ mother, Mary, waited.  She trusted God, and she waited.  Mary had no idea what was to come in her life, but with tremendous faith and obedience to God, she quietly waited in prayer to see how her life, and her child’s life, would unfold.  And given the unusual circumstances surrounding her pregnancy, there must have been times where Mary was anxious, and perhaps even a bit worried…but she continued to trust.  And wait.

Mary has been a wonderful model for me in my life.  When things become uncertain, when I lose faith and trust, when I just don’t want to wait for an answer – I think of Mary’s faithfulness, strength, and patience in waiting for the Lord.  It gives me a tremendous amount of relief and hope.  I have learned to take the experience of being anxious in waiting, and to let go of that anxiety, and focus on prayer and other ways of communion with God.  In doing so, I’ve learned that life events will happen whether I worry and wonder about them or not.  The waiting period has helped me to draw closer to God, and strengthens me in countless ways, spiritually, mentally, and physically (lower blood pressure!).  I have learned to accept - and actually embrace - waiting as a gift.  Sometimes it is just what I need.  And God knows that.

“All good things to those who wait.”  Peace to you as we wait for the best gift of all.