Life is so unpredictable at times…you can live for ten years without any major upset, and then, bam! Within a year or two, all hell breaks loose. That’s how my life has been for the past couple of years.
In the past two years, I have developed health issues, dealt with particularly difficult challenges at work, have been completely heartbroken, and saw the decline of two people very close to me. I purchased a home and a car all within a few months, which is been a bit financially stressful, as I’m sure you can relate, especially in this economy! Other issues had arisen, too, leading me to wonder about the expression: “Don’t worry. God won’t give you more than you can handle.” As if God is there, delightfully handing out pain and misery to us to see what our breaking points will be.
And, unfortunately, I am a foodie.
So in order to cope, I did what I always do – eat. I am an emotional eater. When things get this bad (such as the death or severe illness of a close loved one, a lost job, etc.), instead of letting go and letting God, I let go in the kitchen and scarf down as many Doritos and M&M’s as my mouth can hold. Instead of offering it up in prayer, and getting my mind off my own misery by helping others, I earn my very own booth at the local Chinese buffet.
And why? Where is my trust in God? “And lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world,” Jesus promised. So if I truly believe that God is always with me, refusing to abandon me when things get rough…why do I strive to look like Delaware? Why do I look for solace in food when the Creator of the universe keeps gently prodding, “Come to me, and I will give you rest”?
In my case, it’s to find absence from pain.
We can talk about using food or other things as pacifiers. I’m sure there is much validity in understanding ourselves through such psychological explanations. What we are all looking for is a release from pain and struggle…a brief moment of “hakuna matata,” when we are free from all worries.
But to be free of struggle is to be dead. And I don’t know about you, but as much as I love my God, I’m enjoying it here, and would like to remain for as long as God wishes me to. So, struggle it is.
I’ve put down the pizza. Granted, I’ll pick it back up again (briefly!), but I’m going to focus more on growing old with God rather than growing…in other ways.
Thank you so much for sharing your struggle, Marie.
ReplyDeleteYou are a very courageous woman, both for choosing to recognize the pain that lies at the source of your struggle, and for choosing to find a healthier way to deal with that pain. In this regard, you’ve already gotten much further than most of us do!
Please don’t be so hard on yourself. You may ask, “Where is my trust in God?” but I don’t think that trust has ever left you. You’re human, and when all hell breaks loose because someone you love is suffering, or your job is tremendously stressful, or your heart has been broken, you’re allowed to cry out in pain – and you’re allowed to find a way to cope with that pain, even if the initial way you choose to cope is not the healthiest way to do it. Because when the pain begins to lessen you will find a healthier way, just as you have.
When we feel like we’re drowning, we tend to grab the first thing that floats by (and for foodies it may be a pizza box!) Once we’ve had a chance to catch our breath, then we can start thinking about grabbing onto something that will keep us afloat for the long haul.
Sure, if we had a perfect faith then the first thing we’d reach out for in times of extreme stress would be God. And at times we’re strong enough to do that, but we’re not always that strong, and I believe God knows that.
Heck, I’d bet even Mother Theresa had days when she felt like scarfing down a large pizza with extra pepperoni. ;)
You have a keen self-awareness and a very deep faith, Marie.
You know yourself and you trust and love God.
Which means you’ve already grown in ways that many of us never do. :)