My mom started dragging me to swimming lessons when I turned 5. The Hartford YWCA was my first swimming school. Wonderful, large, heated pool, with three or four other little girls who were chomping at the bit to dive in and learn how to survive in water.
I stood there, admiring the (seemingly) blue water, thinking how nice it would be to dangle my feet over the side -- then have my mother promptly scoop me up and take me out of there before the water filled my lungs.
Hi - my name is Marie, and I am a YWCA swim class drop out.
Over the next few years, I failed the Town of Bristol and Town of Newington swimming classes. Then Newington High School - my swimming instructor was never so disgusted in his life by the fear in my cow eyes and continual nail biting.
I almost dislocated my shoulder by jumping in the deep end (under force, mind you) and grabbing on to the side of the pool.
And why? No trust. No trust that I would bob back up to the top, despite my instructors' (increasing irritation) in telling me that I would. No. I was convinced I would sink, sink, sink...and either end up dead at the bottom of the pool, or sucked into one of those filter vents and wind up on the Dark Side.
And this was all because, as a kid, my dad misjudged and didn't catch me, as promised, as I came down a waterslide into an amusement park pool. I remember the bubbles, and lack of my father's hands as I sank down to the bottom. (Yes, he eventually did pull me out and dealt with my predictable hysterics.)
Trust. Do you have trust issues, too?
My biggest trust issue which I have finally won is my trust in God. This is after 40+ years of praying, studying, and observing how God works in my and others' lives. Psalm 37 tell us to "Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him, and He will act." I finally believe it, and by doing so, I am free. Free to explore life; free to live, free to die, challenge myself, experience all the good and bad that life has to offer; free to risk letting go of the side of the pool.
I still can't swim. But if I fall into water again, I know my Father will catch me. Do you know that God's hands are there for you, too?
And our lives parallel each other yet again. I too am a wall hanger! For me it was a wave that knocked me off my feet and pulled me out to sea when I was 5-years-old. My brother saved me but I never forgot what if felt like to be flailing helplessly under water.
ReplyDeleteI have never learned how to swim. People have tried to teach me at various points in my life but I stiffen up and resist letting it happen. You hit the nail on the head. It's all about trust.
Thankfully, God doesn't require us to know how to swim to trust in him/her. Otherwise, I'd be in big trouble! ;)